Never thought I'd let a rumor ruin my moonlight [entries|friends|calendar] -_Polly wants a Cracker_- [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[12 Apr 2006|05:12am] !.Touch Me.!

[14 Jan 2006|11:30pm] so life is going good right now. found someone im intrested in. going to school. having fun. so yeah. go me. !.Touch Me.!

[01 Jan 2006|02:20am] 2006. yet another year of bullshit. (i told my sister that it was gonna be 2007 when she wakes up. and i was completly serious about it. i need to stop smoking.) hope you all have a happy new year. dont be silly, wrap your willy. dont drive all drunk and shit. make sure the new years sex rocks your socks.! ~1~ !.Touch Me.!

[05 Dec 2005|02:21pm] it has finally gotten to this. the breaking point. when there is nothing else to do except get better. you know you're at this point when: -you can listen to a love song and not hysterically cry. -you can talk about the person without getting all choked up. am i here yet? not yet, but i think i am pretty close. i miss him, i love him, i want to be with him. but i cannot go around feeling like this anymore. i've been waking up in the middle of the night A LOT lately. every night..this has never happened to me before. i spoke to someone about it, and he/she said that this was a symptom of depression. i wake up because i have this person on my mind and it bothers me so much, and i am so upset about it that my brain actually has me wake up. c'mon now. what the hell? how can one person do this to you? how do you walk around with a smile all day but when you get home at night, you cry like a baby? how is this possible? someone explain. !.Touch Me.!

[01 Dec 2005|08:17pm] sigh. i hate my life. i hate being in this place. i hate school. i hate that i get back into things that i once gave up. i hate that i have to spend everyday questioning who i am and why im here. i hate having no one to talk to. i hate feeling like no one loves or cares about me. i hate wanting to cry every 5 fucking minutes. and most of all, i hate being alone. thats my worst fear in the world. being alone. lonliness. not having anybody. life sucks now-a-days. i wish i could go back to the days when being punished from the phone was a big deal. and the thing that hurt me the most is when my mother wouldnt let me go to a show. what is with this shit? can anyone tell me why life is so fucking difficult? i mean, what the hell, dude.? it went from begging your mom for twenty bucks so you can buy a dime bag and a pack of cigarettes behind her back to dodging collection agencies, praying that your cell phone doesnt get turned off, and being miserable because you're addicted to the cigarettes but you no longer have any money to buy them. i have come a long way. and i have changed dramatically, but i cannot deal with this anymore. i cannot deal with feeling empty inside, feeling like i want to die, not wanting to get out of bed. EVER. i think i need some professional help. someone call me. 201-832-3851 !.Touch Me.!

[26 Sep 2005|08:27pm] being a woman is a very beautiful thing.. we can have babies, we have large titties to show off, and are smarter than the male species.. but then it all gets ruined... i have my period and such bad cramps. fuck having babies, i would rather be the sperm donor and fuck the pain. i feel like sigorney weaver, or however you spell it, in tha movie "Alien" when the alien is coming out of her stomach. and ladies, lemme give you a little tip, Midol sucks. its gets your hope all up that the pain will go away, and then it doesnt do shit. FUCK MIDOL !.Touch Me.!

[18 Sep 2005|08:26am] The greatest irony of love; loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... and sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again... for some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person... in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else... most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. love is always present. it's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little... as we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right... most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time. while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger... so here's a piece of advice; let go when you're hurting too much. give up when love isn't enough. and move on when things are not like before... For sure there is someone out there WHO WiLL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE... !.Touch Me.!

[17 Sep 2005|04:12pm] i dont know what to do anymore. im stuck between being a lazy kid and being a mature adult. and the sick part is, i dont even have a choice between the two. school is great. i love every aspect of it. i love the knowledge, i love the people, i love the fact that i'll be making something of myself. then theres work. the people are nice, but none of them speak clear english. there are only 2 other young girls there besides me, and one of them works downstairs in kids so i cant even talk to her. forget talking to her, i cant even talk at all. whenever i am seen standing in aone spot for a brief second one of the managers is on my ass lecturing me about how they're losing money because of theft and how i have to watch everyone. who said that i give a shit? as long as im getting a paycheck its all good. this is the most boring job i have ever had. Mcdonalds wasnt even as bad as this. all i do is put clothes back. and when there are no returns, i have to straighten things up. and no matter how awesome a job you do, its never good enough in the eyes of management. no one has properly explained anything to me. and when they try i cant understand a word they say. so i nod and then try to figure things out for myself. which is going along pretty good as long as they keep me in simple sections like shoes and lingerie. im so tired lately and i feel like im about to cry all the time. for no reason. when school is over i get depressed because i know i have to be at work in a little more than an hour. theres no one to talk to about this. i tried talking to matt, but all he says to me is that i fucked up and now i have to deal with what i have. how does that help me? and matt. i just dont even know what to say about him. i love him with every beat of my heart. but lately, everything he does pisses me off. and everything i do pisses him off. we've broken up how many times and then gotten back together. i would like to marry him. but i dont think he feels the same way. now or if he ever has. everytime i try to tell him something, or wanna talk about me for a second, he turns it into something about him. he doenst listen to me. i need to do some serious soul searching right now. i just feel like everything would be better if i never exsisted. !.Touch Me.!

[24 Aug 2005|11:15am] www.youfall.com check it out. its the hot shit. new CD coming soon !.Touch Me.!

[17 Mar 2005|08:09pm] lately, i've been, i dont know..depressed i guess could be the word. a lot of shit has gone down and i just dont know anymore. Matt and i got into this fight on tuesday..and it just felt like old times all over again..and ya know, it hurts when he says things like how he doesnt want to see me, or how he doesnt think we'll ever move in together. him saying that to me is like him saying that theres no future between us, and that we're both just wasting our time. actually, just typing this is making me want to cry. i know things should change, but i honestly believe that i am not the only one who should change. i mean, on the way to his step moms house, he screamed at me at the top of his lungs and went crazy and then when i raised my voice a little, he screamed more and told me not to raise my voice at him. i just dont know. i love him so much. i couldnt picture me without him. honestly. and you know what..id love him even if he never changed his angry ways. and thats that! (thats shit below kinda portrays my feelings a bit at the moment.) ( wow does this explain everything or what ) !.Touch Me.!

[15 Mar 2005|12:44am] ok so im at matts house, which seems to be the only time i update this thing..but anyway. he's at school and i am sitting here doing nothing, like usual. i have this odd burst of energy out of now where and im not even gonna be able to do anything today. i didnt go to sleep until like 2 in the morning and then i woke up and about 6;30, made matts breakfast and shit and his lunch for school. and then i waited for shoprite to open so i could go get coffee filters because i somehow lost the ones i intended to bring with me. and then, as i was walking back into the blue building i slipped on the step and twisted my ankle. it hurt like a bitch. i could hardly walk up the stairs. then i cleaned and watched ER but i couldnt seem to fall back asleep. so i guess ima be tired as fuck for the rest of the day. matt and i are going to babysit his brother tonight. hes so cute in front of his brother. alright im not writing anything worth reading here so i think im gonna stop right now and find a way to get all this energy out of me. maybe i can get rid of it when matt gets home *wink* oh shit. i am matts booking manager now. i get to book all his shows and put everything together for him. its kinda fun but its a lot of bullshit and a lot of phonecalls. the other night all i did was do this shit, i have about a million papers with all this information on them about matt and what i shoudl be saying and all the questions i should be asking and shit. and matt gets really angry about this shit. like the other day he wanted to know EXACTLY what i said in a message that i left to someone. i think its a little gay to mimic my own conversation. he got all pissy and shit. and he keeps talking shit about me not doing it anymore and hell do it all and then he cant see me as much because he'll have just so much to do. heh ok im really done now. <3 I LUV YOU MATT <3 !.Touch Me.!

[02 Mar 2005|06:11pm] monopoly + matt = a good time. god, that kid loves this game. and he always wins, fucker. one day, i will beat him. (i actually beat him once already but he got really upset) i have work in about an hour. i dont wanna go. i hate this working till 11 bullshit. in better news, matt and i had an awesome conversation last night. i liked it. we do that sometimes when he's half asleep and not thinking straight. hehe more later. <3 !.Touch Me.!

[28 Feb 2005|12:48am] so today was an intresting day. first of all its snowing like all hell outside. and then... matt and i took his car by his dads house to a mechanic to get fixed bc he got into an accident in the beggining of the month. so our plan was that i would drive his maxima and he would drive his moms truck. we got no further then a block when the hood of his car flew up at of nowhere! matt thought it was funny. i, on the other hand, bed to differ. that was horrible. and i fucking saw it moving around and i was just like, "hey what the fuck?" nd i just watched it. and then BAM i couldnt see. lmao. funny day. on a good note, i got to drive his moms totota 4runner. it was awesome. such a nice truck. he he. okay tis all for now. im at matts on his laptop and i hate this keyboard. <3 !.Touch Me.!

[23 Feb 2005|08:55pm] Thank you for making my life worth living. !.Touch Me.!

[13 Jan 2005|08:48pm] well guys, last saturday i finally turned 18! my actual birthday wasnt that extravagant. Kathy picked me up and a whole bunch of us went out to dinner. and then to play pool. it sucked to be perfectly honest with you. but then on Sunday night, matt picked me up. i stayed there from sunday night until tuesday night. i had the time of my life. but that wasnt even the BEST part. last night i had work until 8. matt came to pick me up. he brought me out to Steak and Ale for my birthday. you have no idea how happy it made me that he drove all the way here just to see me for a few hours. yesterday it felt like we just started going out all over again. it gave me a great feeling. a feeling that i havent felt in a really long time. when we were sitting in the car, he said something to me and it actually brought tears to my eyes. happy tears. i cannot wait to see him. and then, this sunday he's picking me up again. and on monday we're going to the studio. i love going to the studio with him. i love watching him rap. and then im sleeping over again that night. he's so wonderful. i cant wait to see him. god i love him so much. ya know i never thought i could feel this way about someone. ever. i can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him. <3 3 ; !.Touch Me.!

[02 Jan 2005|08:00pm] uhm.. i cant exactly find the words to say what i need to say right now. but.. i have been waiting for YEARS for something to happen..something that happens to everyone eventually..to happen to a friend of mine. and on the first day of 2oo5..it happened. AND NOW ITS TIME TO FUCKING PARTY!!!! congratulations my little de-virgin-ized queen. it tis time to plan the party. pS. (way to go trevor) !.Touch Me.!

Oh you can tell by the way i use my walk im a womans man, no time to talk. [11 Dec 2004|02:00pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Terri Clark ;; Girls Lie Too ] I need to find you..I need to seek my INNERVISION today is such a boring day. i have work in 2 hours. i dont want to go. its so unappealing. but then again, i don't want to stay here and rot, either. atleast they pay me to suffer. i want monday to come. i want to see Matt. i want to kiss him. but its only saturday. so i am shit out of luck. on the brightside. it IS saturday, which is a lot closer to Monday then yesterday was. i guess. i need a life. i need more money. i need a car. i will save. i will i will i will. i need a cigarette. hmph. well theres one thing i can actually get to right away. Christmas is coming..and im not at all excited. i want to spend that whole day with Matt. but i know i have to see my family. it sucks. i suppose i should start getting ready for work. its the same thing everyday, week after week. get up, eat lunch, get dressed in my lumberjack shirt, smoke a cigarette, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go online, talk to matt, sleep. i lead such a boring life. i want to go shopping. i want so many things. ugh. oh well. im going to stop writing this. its depressing me. !.Touch Me.!

[02 Dec 2004|10:19pm] its been way too long since i've written in this thing. no one reads this. no one cares. but i like to go back every now and then and see what has happened that i've forgotten about. so here it goes ; yet another post no one will read except for me ; there isnt much to write about. but there is something on my mind right now that i think would be best that i got out before i explode. i am so happy right now. happy for me. for once in my life. i feel like it cant get any better than this. i dont want it to decrease at all. im overwhelmed. i guess good things do happen to those who wait. if you're wondering what im talking about its my relationship. Matt has made me so happy lately i cant control it anymore. i love him so much. sometimes, though, i feel like he deserves better than me. sometimes he says things to me that just makes me wanna cry its so sweet. i guess im going to go now, but i will leave you with this... I have NEVER known a love this sweet before. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. and that will ever happen to me. thank you for choosing me. <3 !.Touch Me.!

[12 Oct 2004|05:32pm] 4 ; !.Touch Me.!

[11 Sep 2004|02:18pm] FILL IT OUT! Who are you? x. Are we friends? x. When and how did we meet? x. What do you think of me? x. What's the fondest memory you have of me? x. How long do you think we will be friends? x. Do you love me? x. Do you have a crush on me? x. Would you kiss me? x. Would you hug me? x. Physically, what stands out? x. Emotionally, what stands out? x. Do you wish I was cooler? x. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I? x. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it: x. Am I loveable? x. How long have you known me? x. Describe me in one word: x. What was your first impression of me? x. Do you still think that way about me now? x. What do you think my weakness is? x. Do you think I'll get married? x. What makes me happy? x. What makes me sad? x. What reminds you of me? x. If you could give me anything what would it be? x. When's the last time you saw me? x. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? x. Do you think I could kill someone? x. Are you going to put this on your site and see what I say about you? !.Touch Me.!

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